I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
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interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.