god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
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(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.