The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
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There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”