I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
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[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
this is uni
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”