@iAmDelFreaky: I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
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@brettminor: It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake. Even if it is no one's birthday. They don't even check.
@pbear79: I asked a waiter how they prepare their chicken. He said... "Meh, nothing special. We just straight out tell them they're going to die."
@amphy1981: (Showing off new car) Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got? Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
@ShesARealGenius: [Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I'm dying]: "Oh, you don't have to do that, don't worry about it."