I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
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Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
I’m awake but I object,
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.