I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
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A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Cartman: Respect my
a a
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond