I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
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They got Raph!
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Shark week, but for squirrels.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?