@TheBoydP: I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
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@ClaytonSykes: Having a beard makes it easier to hatch a scheme, but it's getting harder and harder to play on a public swing set by myself.
@goldengateblond: "We had unprotected sex. Give us a present." -- the subtext of every baby shower
@Reverend_Scott: [funeral] He looks so natural. Ya, but he looks a little stiff. *raises from the dead* "That's what... *gargle* ...she said." *dies again*
@ArfMeasures: COP: So what happened? ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road COP: Can you describe it? ME: It's like a big path that cars drive on