My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
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putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
My typo game is string.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean