@ClaytonSykes: I was simply stating that your crying child MIGHT fit comfortably in the overhead compartment, lady. #butseriously
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@tigersgoroooar: It sucks when an album has a real chill sad song and you’re like oh yeahh and then the next song is crazy loud it makes me wanna eat knives.
@AndyAsAdjective: [1st date] WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss? HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table* DRACULA: *just glares at her*
@JohnLyonTweets: Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We've never met before, right?
@chuuew: [Dinner with family of Owls] ME: Want me to say grace? DAD OWL: No. We don't do that M: I thought you were- D.O: Pls don't M: birds of pray?