Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
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Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch