@DirtyySouthMess: I was singing in the gym shower & the girl in the one beside me started singing along & then suddenly my life became this weird, naked duet.
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@EvanJKessler: If this whole twitter thing doesn't work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
@elvisknievil: My plan to reduce shark attacks. Get them hooked on meth. Getting gummed by a toothless shark probably tickles.
@Rebecca8672: Awkward=when autocorrect changes 'sooner' to 'sober' so email to 8 yr. old's teacher reads "I apologize for not getting back to you sober"