I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
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Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.