@HeidiCF8: Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I like cake.

@hardlyrelevant: (pretending to be well-read to impress a girl) War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one “What was your favorite part?” I’d have to say the Peace

@bakehadley: 58.

@AddTequila: My son: "Dad what's a douche bag?" Me: see that guy sitting with his friends wearing a Bluetooth?....

@simoncholland: I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.