I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
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My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.