I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
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ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts