I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
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he looks great for his age
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
fr
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Alexa, make me look good naked.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.