I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
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Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!