@Tylerosis: I say I want a gf but I don't even know what I'd do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?

@ValeeGrrl: Other parents do back-to-school pics of kids holding signs w/ their grade on it & mine are just a series of selfies w/ me & the bus driver.

@tastefactory: Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

@Kyle_Lippert: "I love u" "Umm isn't it a bit too soon to say I love you?" "Oh ha I meant the letter U. What's your fav u word? Mine is Unreciprocated lol"

@unravelingfire: If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.