@Jenny4ashley: Why are you screaming my name? I'm right here.. Having sex is weird.

@UncleDuke1969: Jim ate my sandwich. It was clearly labeled. Jim's email is open on his PC. Jim's son now thinks he's adopted. The sandwich was LABELED.

@CarrieMayhem: I want to lose some weight but I love food & hate exercise. I'm really stuck between a rock & a fat place here.

@BobTheSuit: CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone's iPhone? NSA: "U2's New Album"

@JimmerThatisAll: Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.