@candy_badass: Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it's the donut.

@doktorj: "Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan," says my accountant while rubbing his temples.

@blade_funner: *slips $5 to the mortician* Me: How about - stop screaming - how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

@TheGladStork: Wife: why are you smiling? [realizing if Blue from Blue's Clues and Clifford had puppies they'd be purple] Me: I was thinking about you.

@tastefactory: *spills wine on Ouija board* OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T ME: *moves pointer to NO*