I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
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dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.