I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
You Might Also Like
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.