I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
You Might Also Like
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
this came to me in a vision
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
This is amazing.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.