“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
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LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”