@Sassafrantz: I was so surprised when he said those three little words to me: "You're embarrassingly bad at math. This is over."
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@fart: the real reason you shouldn’t flush condoms is the fish get caught in them and it makes the fishermen laugh so hard they fall off the boat
@LostCatDog: This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
@vikkaroni: Him: what does a polar bear weigh? Me: I don't know Him: enough to break the ice, my name's John. Me: so's mine.