@WheelTod: I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
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@Jen_Up_: I just said, "who the hell is calling here at 9 o'clock at night?" and I died a little on the inside.
@koalaslament: [on a date] *showing her pics of my pet lizards* ME: "and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth" HER: "I must have sex with you immediately"