I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
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I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
My background check bounced.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what