“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
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I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Shortcut
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.