. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
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Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.