[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
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{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog