Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
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HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
That lamp looks PISSED.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.