@mishakey: I was telling this chick how I almost died during childbirth and she asked me when I'm having another one. I SAID I ALMOST DIED, CRAZY LADY.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I'd even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
@Ilovelamp1979: Every idiot in Florida just turned on their electric heater & they crashed the grid. Now I'm forced to watch my neighbor sleep in the dark.
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday? Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug. 4: You told me not to lie.
@aka_fatman: "...so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive." "Eat human corpses?" [flashback to eating quinoa] "Y...yes."