@mishakey: I was telling this chick how I almost died during childbirth and she asked me when I'm having another one. I SAID I ALMOST DIED, CRAZY LADY.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@AGreaterMonster: I feel bad I punched that guy, but he shouldn't get so close to my punching bag. I should stop leaving my punching bag by my office door.
@StarvingHartist: Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
@wendyraepearce: My twitter crush just broke up with me for saying WWE wasn't real. The irony is not lost here.