@mishakey: I was telling this chick how I almost died during childbirth and she asked me when I'm having another one. I SAID I ALMOST DIED, CRAZY LADY.
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@KalvinMacleod: [restaurant] WAITER: And to drink? ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi. WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what.. *waiter spontaneously combusts*
@Pundamentalism: My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
@TheBoydP: Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
@CarpentersCrack: I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.