@mishakey: I was telling this chick how I almost died during childbirth and she asked me when I'm having another one. I SAID I ALMOST DIED, CRAZY LADY.
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@AmishPornStar1: My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch... And then eat seven dinners.
@aka_fatman: Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is. Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa. Morpheus: It's also a powerful laxative.
@BurgerKing: IF UR DATING SOMEONE AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
@fro_vo: Judge: has the jury reached a verdict Jury: yes your honor Judge: how do you find the defendant Jury: guilty Defendant: SEE YOU IN COURT