You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
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Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
No Google it does not
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again