I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
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We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew