I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
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PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Oh boy, $150,000!
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air