Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
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“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
🤭😂
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.