@SummerRay: I was the first person to install trampolines in musician's tour buses and now everybody is jumping on the bandwagon.
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@EndhooS: Wife: He's just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused Psychiatrist: Is this true? Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
@EricBedner: "Bye, losers." *puts on motorcycle helmet and sunglasses* *rides unicycle into an elevator* "Can you push the button for the lobby please."
@badbanana: When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
@randomnloveit: If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.