Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
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hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?