I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
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Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds