I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
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Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.