I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
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The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
This 4th of July, please remember…
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry