*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
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My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
*has no idea what a book even is*
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO