“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
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“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power