“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
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Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Not all heroes wear capes…
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
nyc: