I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
You Might Also Like
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss