I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
You Might Also Like
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look