@bees_wingz: I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
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@Glynner85: I hate when The Little Mermaid is all "who cares no big deal I want more!" Like, you already have 20 thingamabobs you aquatic scumbag relax
@koalaslament: Coworker said 'nice pink shirt, when did you come out?' I said 'IT'S NOT PINK IT'S SALMON!'. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
@DocBrown21: My next tattoo will be "helvetica" written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
@FatherWithTwins: 4yo: Raise your hand if you are young Me: *raises hand 4yo: No, daddy, not you.