I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
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Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Every. Damn. Time.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
philosophical skeletons be like
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle