me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
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I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Finally!
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
an octopus is just a wet spider
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.