4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
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ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!