I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
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People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work