I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
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*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.