@zachreinert03: I was watching tv with my mom & she was amazed a blind guy didn't care his son was missing & I was like outta sight outta mind am I right
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@BigBang6000: Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
@shutupmikeginn: friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself? me: It was on sale for $4 friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
@ericsshadow: My wife googled "when is it safe to leave a child at home alone" and now she won't let me stay home alone.
@JermHimselfish: *takes a home pregnancy test* *finds out home is pregnant* *calls a carpenter to find out if it's gonna be a shed or a gazebo*