Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
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Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
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Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.