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@Bob_Janke: I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
@LoveNLunchmeat: *lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I'm tired.
@SolelyB: My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I've been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
@clyderun: At the bar I got into a factual debate with another patron. He pulled the "I have a PhD" card.
Now he has a PhD AND a fork in his eye.
@offbeatoliv: Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
@ThatOneGoodVibe: The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.