I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
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*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Banking tips
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.