@Bob_Janke: I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
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@thecrabbyhook: You know how one lie leads to another? Well, to cut a long story short, my 7yo daughter now thinks she's allergic to owls.
@Reverend_Scott: [knock at door] ME: yes? COP: is there a party going on? ME: well, it's my dog's birthday- [police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth] COP: SURPRISE
@Cpin42: Barista won't write "Air Bud was bullshit" on my coffee cup. We've been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
@Vodkantots: People who are genuinely surprised when politicians behave badly should be forced to wear helmets for their own protection.