@Bob_Janke: I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
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@LoveNLunchmeat: Before you take advice from me... you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
@NicestHippo: [girlfriend yelling] You have an unhealthy attachment to your pets with weird names! [she knocks over my dead hamster's shrine] GILGAMESH!
@lukeoneil47: I was 17 having dinner w new gf's parents. Pooped. 1st flush didn't take. I got nervous they'd hear a 2nd so I threw the turd out the window