I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
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A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
181.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this