@Danny_Dilford: I was wondering why I wasn't picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
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@AmishPornStar1: Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people? Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
@dshack8: Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you're continuing to tweet.
@KalvinMacleod: DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds? ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.