@Danny_Dilford: I was wondering why I wasn't picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
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@TheToxicWaster: My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn't planning to spend that much..
@AnitaHelmet: There's a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out. She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
@VodkaThursday: I'm putting "open bar" on my invitations, but its gonna be a cash bar. Just because its my 3rd wedding doesn't mean u can skip it, slackers.
@TragicAllyHere: Hmm... kkkk (too many) kkk (too racist) kk (looks like a typo) k (that'll work) Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting "k"